Environmental Alert

An environmental official from Long Island, New York, has issued an alert regarding impending aerial dissemination of biohazardous materials:

"It has come to my attention that human gray matter may shortly be disseminated across mid Long Island, especially in the East Setauket area, with danger for those exposed to it of being covered with organizing and editing cells," said Geraldine Witherspoon, a local EPA supervisor, today. "We do not yet know whether these cells will cause people to become more organized and to write better, but we believe it's best that everyone take cover, just in case."

Witherspoon said that the source of the gray matter in question called her office early this morning to say, "If I don't stop working such long hours on such dense manuscripts, my head's just gonna 'splode." Witherspoon said that the EPA has not confirmed the identity of the caller, but other sources have divulged that they believe the caller to be area resident Katharine O'Moore-Klopf, who is said to routinely engage in an extremely hazardous occupation known as copyediting.

Witherspoon advised area residents to avoid thinking, reading, and learning, activities that would make them even more vulnerable to the effects of the gray matter if it does indeed explode.

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