The Year in Review, Bush Style

Beth Quinn of the Times Herald-Record, a small paper from the Hudson Valley–Catskills area of New York State, has an eerily plausible take on what goes on in Bush's mind:

The year 2005 was bright and shiny on Earth II, where George Bush lives.

And why not? News of reality from Earth I never makes it to the president's desk.

On Earth II, Brownie did a heck of a job, and poverty was wiped out in America when all the poor people were sent to live like cattle in an arena.

No child was left behind, freedom was still on the march, and a brain-dead woman in Florida trumped a heartsick mother in Texas in getting the president's attention.

Creationism was renamed Intelligent Design in a stunning public relations move.

"Plan for Victory" won the 2005 White House Slogan of the Year, belatedly, but finally replacing "Mission Accomplished" as the definitive Earth II commentary on the Iraq war.

Bush decreed there's no such thing as global warming, thereby solving that problem once and for all.

Plus, word definitions were agreeably changed. "Deficit reduction plan" on Earth II, for example, actually means "deficit growth plan" here on Earth I.

Prisoners (called "detainees" on Earth II) can be tortured there, and so can the English language. Oddly, Bush is entirely coherent in his alternate universe.

Thus, we present highlights of 2005 on Earth II—in George Bush's own words.

• Much to the relief of God, Bush began the year with a surprise, albeit tortured, announcement that he is not God:

"We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (Jan. 14)

• In February, we learned that Social Security was the top crisis on Earth II. Who knew? And Bush had a plan to save it:

"Because the—all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those—changing with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be—or closer delivered to what has been promised." (Feb. 4)

• Bush also clarified his position on Iran in February:

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." (Feb. 22)

• In March, the nation breathed a sigh of relief when Bush made it clear that not only does he not play God, he also doesn't talk to pictures of dead people:

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis. You don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, " 'How do you think my standing will be?' " (March 16) ...

• Bush also explained his Social Security plan for those who die before they die:

"If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able to pass on to a loved one." (March 30)

• In April, Bush announced that the coal supply was plentiful and that it was good for the environment on Earth II:

"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." (April 20)

• April was also a big month for progress in the war in Iraq, as Bush explained again and again. Among his announcements was the noble decree that terrorists should be kept safe:

"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." (April 28)

• In May, the Social Security crisis made a comeback as Bush appealed to young folks by either making or breaking promises to them, hard to tell which:

"I think younger workers—first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government—promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." (May 4)

• Despite the fact that nothing he said about Social Security made any sense on Earth I, he also promised to keep saying it:

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." (May 24)

• In June, Bush explained that, happily, Earth II's coal supply had grown:

"Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?" (June 8)

• In July, Bush suspended all formal rules of grammar in his fight against an increasingly unruly press. Not only was freedom on the march, so was his syntax:

"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it." (July 18)

• During August, Bush got a peek at reality when he flew over Earth I in his flying saucer to see the hurricane damage:

"It's totally wiped out. It's devastating. It's got to be doubly devastating from the ground." (Aug. 31)

• In September, he finally responded to the hurricane crisis by rolling up his sleeves for a photo op. Also, he cautioned Earth I-lings to quit hoarding gasoline:

"Don't buy gas if you don't need it." (Sept. 1)

• Also in September, we learned that the five senses are different on Earth II:

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." (Sept. 20)

• With the October nomination of Harriet Miers, Bush illustrated that, on Earth II, inexperience is the very BEST qualification for a Supreme Court judge:

"It's important to bring somebody from outside the judicial system, somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of opinions for people to look at." (Oct. 4)

• In November, Bush visited the southern hemisphere on Earth I and learned a little geography about our planet:

"Wow! Brazil is big." (Nov. 6)

• Finally, in December, Bush admitted that maybe the war in Iraq didn't need to happen. Except, on Earth II, it did need to happen:

"Whether or not it needed to happen, I'm still convinced it needed to happen." (Dec. 13)

And so, Bush parties on in his Earth II White House, blissfully unaware that the jig is up on Earth I, where New Orleans is still in sorry shape; where the war in Iraq grinds on to no purpose; where the rich get richer; where the uninsured get sicker; where the former presidential nickname Bubba has been supplanted by Bubble Boy.

It's been a heck of a year, Bubble Boy. And always believe your Imagineers when they tell you:

Fairy tales can come true,
It can happen to you,
If you're on Earth II.

Only 1,127 days till Inauguration 2009!

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